I’m not going to pepper this post with photos. This is coming from a hard part of me; a hard part that I’m kind of ashamed of; but here I go. It was actually inspired by another blogger who actually posted on feeling ashamed of being an easy cryer. She inspired me to write this post.
I often hide my real feelings; I smile because I don’t want to overwhelm people with the stress, the anxiety, the frustrations, the anger that I’m wrestling over. I struggle with how to express the feelings, bring them to the Lord, ask for prayer, seek other’s wisdom.
This was part of my eating disorder. And I still don’t know how to do it.
1 John 1:5-7 ,’This is the message we have heard from him and proclaim to you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all. 6 If we say we have fellowship with him while we walk in darkness, we lie and do not practice the truth. 7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.’
Walking in the light or coming to the light has been a HUGE part of my recovery. Whenever there’s an ugly skeleton in the closet, like my eating disorder, or my addiction to exercise that everybody praised as athletic because they didn’t know, my fear of eating in front of other people (which I don’t usually talk about because I feel ashamed), and the list could go on and on.
But the first step in recovery is coming into the light.
It’s bringing all the thoughts. the fears. the doubts. the anger. the bitterness to the front and letting the light of the gospel of Jesus FLOOD into your heart. It’s coming into the light and saying that you wrestled all week with your weight. you cried over your weight. you thought about the calories all day instead of enjoying time with people. you criticized your body instead of THANKING God for it.
I think the biggest thing that held me back from sharing my feelings is that I didn’t think anybody else would want to hear, that they would just stare at me and wonder what I was talking about, and I’d retreat back into my shell, wondering if people would ever understand.
I remember the first conversation talking to my parents, and it felt like I was tongue tied.
I was thankful that God had given me parents that really cared about me. But it still felt awkward. I didn’t know how to say, ‘I think I’m fat.’ I didn’t know how to explain the thoughts going on in my head.
And then. now.
My struggles with my period and my cycle and stress are the hardest things for me to talk about; I don’t know what to say because I don’t quite even know what’s going on with my body. I worked with a dietitian last year, and it helped SOOO much with my digestion, and I even had my cycle regularly for about 4-5 months.
Then Europe happened (which was wonderful), but it also threw off my whole cycle because of falling back into cycles of restriction.
Now I’m 6 months down the road from there, and I’m eating till I’m not hungry (at LEAST 2500+ calories most days), trying not to exercise too much (6 days a week but only 30″ to 1 hour at a time), trying to sleep and rest, and it’s still not here.
I’m . . . unsure of what to do.
That’s where I am, but I’m sharing this with you, just in case anybody (even if you don’t feel comfortable commenting) is in the same boat, is feeling despairing, unsure of what you need to do next.
First of all let’s wait on the Lord. And ask Him for wisdom. Ask the people who can help you. Don’t feel ashamed to be struggling. I struggle too.
Isaiah 40:29-31, ‘He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall; But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.’
Linking up with sweet Jamie and all the other sisters for Sunday Thoughts!
Do you struggle to share your real feelings?
What have you learned about walking in the light and talking about what you’re struggling with?