For a while I haven’t really chilled out, but I think it’s time to start that chilling out and truly learning to rest when I need to and not feel guilty about it. I think God has me in a quiet space where I can do that, because I’ve been doing excessive research on hypothalamic amenorrhea, watching videos, and I’ve discovered that stress in any form can have a huge effect on you especially with women and their reproductive systems. This is hard for me to admit, but it feels like I’m giving up a part of myself by chilling out, by not being that tough long distance runner or athlete I thought it was; it’s humbling, but it’s good.
I’m ready. It’s hard in a culture that doesn’t really chill out, and I don’t want to be lazy, but I think that desire to not be lazy often disguises itself by saying, ‘Go, go, go and DON’T STOP.’
I struggle with that, but more and more I don’t want that attitude in any part of my life. I want to LOVE sitting at the feet of Jesus, soaking in the beauty of God’s World, doing the work that I get to do and not staying up till midnight just to work more, enjoying the beauty of any kind of movement and not feel like I HAVE to work out for an hour or even half an hour or even work out at all.
God doesn’t measure me on how productive I am; of course that doesn’t mean that I’m just going to do nothing.
But that doesn’t mean that I’ll base my worth on all the thing I do, because it’s about what God has DONE in me and through me.
This means that I’m going to:
stop looking up how many calories I need for my activity level (because it totally isn’t true for my body)
stop myself when I’m thinking about needing to have a certain ‘body fat’ percentage (If it’s considered an ‘athletic’ body fat percentage, but I don’t have my period, then it’s not healthy)
stop picking up that measuring tape (I don’t weight myself very often if at all. I hadn’t weighed myself until last week once, and I was the same weight I was years ago.)
stop focusing on the numbers (ask the Lord to help me focus on the bigger picture)
In doing this I had to unfollow most runner accounts on Instagram, because I want to run longer distances badly, but I KNOW my body does not need that right now. Instead I’m focusing on nourishment, rest, time with family, time to write, time to pray, think, time to enjoy the outdoors, bake, and eat.
Some of the best resources that are really helping me right now focusing on the goal of taking care of my body well are:
Jill (A Case of the Jills) – YouTube Channel (A LOT of her info is so helpful.) (I’ll give you a caution in that there is some language in there. She provides really good information, but that is the caveat I would share!)
Urbane Jane – Good resources on HA (Hypothalamic Amenorrhea)
Revive Our Hearts – SUCH A Soul Filling, God glorifying podcast
even more icecream
eating to fullness (not to ‘just satisfied) so I’m not hungry right away after a meal (To make this clear: I don’t restrict calories anymore. I don’t go to bed hungry, but often I don’t eat to fullness at a meal because I’m not ready for that yet, but I want to be braver about this)
When it comes to workouts:
I’m doing 3 runs per week right now, and I am going to really try to do no more than 2 miles at a time. the other 3 days, I do love to move, so I’m doing 3 other movement times of mostly no impact workouts at no more than 30 minutes or 40 minutes. I’m trying not to do any jumping or HIIT workouts.
I can’t compare this journey I’m on to anyone else, and that’s the beauty of recovery. It’s slow, and I KNOW that some might say that I shouldn’t be exercising at all right now. I guess I’m stubborn, and I’m trying to do as little as possible while still getting that quiet time to move/workout but not do it to excess.
As far as food I’m going to eat whatever sounds good, and I don’t profess to tell you that I know exactly what I’m doing, because I have failed and stumbled so many times in this process, but God is so patient with me. I’m just learning to trust Him more, and trust my feelings less and not be so attached to that feeling of ‘having to workout’ or having to only ‘eat this much.’ I don’t want to be skinny anymore, but I totally know that I am not free yet of those thoughts of not wanting to gain anymore weight or body fat.
I’m thankful that this journey is a hopeful one, and though recovery isn’t easy, I want to recover!
Thank you to all of you who are on this journey with me of truly learning to chill and rest.
How are you chilling lately?
What do you like to do to rest?