I don’t know if anyone would have know this about me, but I’m kind of a ‘closet perfectionist.’ I love things to be done well, but I haven’t always been like that. When I was younger I was what most people would call ‘happy-go-lucky’, but the ED brought in some things that I have struggled to overcome. But Jesus is ENABLING me daily to bring these struggles to Him.
This especially came to my attention this past week as our lives just changed in a big way. I hope to share in a month or so, but right now I’m keeping it on the quiet, because I’m still learning the adjustment that this has brought in, so I’ll keep y’all updated.
I’m thankful for Meg and this Week in Review. They really help me process through what happened in the past week, appreciate the wins, and also think about the things I learned, and be thankful for all of God’s mercies.
First of all what do I mean by a ‘closet perfectionist?’
You know when you just feel like you need to do MORE? Yup, that’s me. I have a hard time discerning whether I”m being lazy or whether I’m being too ‘overly obsessive.’ I think that’s because, when I was younger, I was a very lazy child.
Now I struggle to leave the kitchen if it’s not as clean as possible at night.
Now I find myself wrestling with wanting to maintain every relationship and keep all my loved ones happy and knowing that I love them.
Now I want to make sure the room is TOTALLY clean before I go to bed.
Now I find myself wanting to control my dog’s behavior so they never act crazy.
You know what I’ve realized?
That’s why I need GRACE.
Titus 2:11, ‘For the grace of God that bringeth salvation hath appeared to all men,’ I need to remember that I need the grace of God.
I realized that especially on Thursday and Friday of this past week when I was just feeling RUNDOWN. I was making myself feel guilty, because I’m ‘young.’ I shouldn’t be feeling this way. But Isaiah 40:31 says that even the youths will be weary.
I was weary.
So what did I do?
Instead of pushing myself more, God enabled me to just slow down, to lay on the floor, to catch up on blogging things, to update the podcast, all things that I’d been wanting to do, but I wasn’t feeling like I could slow down enough to do it.
Thursday and Friday taught me that grace based living is 100% worth it.
Slowing down to make cookies was worth it.
I don’t have to compare myself to others and them making a lot of money or doing a lot of hustle, because I’ve realized that the way I respond to a lot of things to do is to stress out, so instead I’m going to say ‘No’ to more things and seek what God would have me do instead of trying to do everything for everybody.
Instead of being discouraged I want to hope in God that I will be drawn closer to His perfection and His beauty for my brokenness, my struggles, my heartaches, my wrestling with wanting to be the best instead of remembering that Jesus is the BEST, that He is the One covering me with His precious blood and perfect righteousness.
And I am so very grateful for Megan posting this blog post, ‘Beauty for Ashes’ because it seems to dovetail so well with what God is teaching me right now.
Instead of being a ‘closet perfectionist’ I want to be a seeker of gratitude and a lover of God’s grace.
Whose with me?
Do you have ‘closet perfectionist’ tendencies?