For a long time I thought I was strong until I experienced deep emotional pain that I knew was impossible for me to handle. Just by myself. Strong. Didn’t need anyone else to carry my burdens. I may have known in my head that I NEEDED Jesus to bear my burden of sin and shame on the cross, to bear my condemnation, in order to be SET free from sin, but in my actions, in my life I denied it. And these days, I still experience that. For a long time I’ve tried to cover my deepest pains, my deepest insecurities.
I don’t really want to write this post, but I want to, because I want others to know that if you are struggling with this, you are NOT alone too.
That’s what the body of Christ Jesus is for; we’re there to bear one another’s burdens, to weep when others weep, to rejoice when others in the body of Christ rejoice.
Lately I’ve been struggling. I’ve been covering the pain. I’ve been hiding the pain, because i don’t want people to know; I’m afraid. I’ve been harboring resentment and bitterness because of fear, and on Sunday I realized it when someone read Leviticus 19: 18, ‘Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord.’
It was like the Lord was saying to me, ‘You’re bearing a grudge Emily’ against this person, and you NEED to bring it to the cross of Jesus Christ.
I’m feeling broken right now, because i’ve realized how hard relationships are for me; especially closer ones or ones where people are attempting to get closer to me, and I’m attempting to get closer to them.
In my ED I held all that insecurity inside, all that fear about being fat or gaining a pound or two when I stepped on the scale, all that fear when I went to social situations and had to eat in front of other people, the fear over going out to eat, the fear of buying bigger clothes, and SOOO many other needless fears.
First stepping out into recovery was facing one of my biggest insecurities.
Yet I can say with the Psalmist in Psalm 34, that the LORD ‘delivered me out of all my fears.’
Why do I fear relationships?
I fear being hurt and rejected.
I fear pain, especially emotional pain.
I fear talking about my history with an ED.
I fear revealing the food fears I still have.
I fear being ‘judged.’
What is the cure to all of these fears? Not more fear. Not more striving.
But the fear of God; I want to fear my God alone; I want to honor my Father, who has PLUCKED my feet out of the net of my sin, honor and reverence Him who made me, who doesn’t change in His opinions of me, so I can: Love people without regret, tell the right people about my deepest struggles without fearing what they think, engage in friendship and relationship with the mindset that Jesus had of loving His disciples even unto the end.
I know I am going to fail at this time and time again, but with Christ in me I can not ultimately FAIL. Jesus has delivered me before from many fears, and I’m trusting Him to deliver me from these ones again.
Psalm 46:5, ‘God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved: God shall help her, and that right early.’
Do you cover up pain because you fear rejection and hurt?