Someone said something along the lines of this to me the other day. ‘You normally seem like a very decisive person, but why are you indecisive about this? You seem to be going back and forth on this.’ That’s because I hate uncertainty and facing my fear even when things aren’t 100% clear or even 50% clear. This is especially true when it comes to getting to know someone for the purpose of seeing whether or not you want to marry each other.
That’s what is still holding me back. The uncertainty of not knowing is killing me.
The Lord has helped me conquer so much fear of many things from gaining weight because I ‘feel fat’ to the fear of what people would think of my ‘skills’ in sports.
But there’s one large fear that still looms in front of me, and last year I completely failed to conquer it.
I was trusting too much in myself. I shouldn’t be trusting in me at all.
But I was.
And I failed me.
So why this post?
#1) The Lord is teaching me that courage is not the complete absence of fear or COMPLETE utter clarity in my life path, but it’s trusting the Lord even when I can only see the next step. It’s trusting God when all I want to do is turn off my phone, throw it away, throw away my computer, and cease to interact with human beings because human beings (myself included) scare me.
#2) The Lord is weaving into my heart that relationships will ALWAYS be imperfect on this earth, but that’s why Jesus Christ, Lord of heaven and earth came. He came to be the reason that imperfect people could come together and be in relationship, imperfect people like my dear mom and dad could have been married for 28+ years and counting. And their love is only deepening.
#3) The Lord is teaching me that I have so many of His truths written in my head, but daily I need the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, to impress the truth on my heart.
John 14:26 says, ‘But the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.’
It’s so hard to take our eyes off of our own fears and how legitimate those fears seem and plunge into the ocean in front of us in faith, believing that God is our Rock that will never let us go, no matter how deep we plunge.
What am I talking about in veiled language here?
Ok. I’m talking about relationships.
I’m talking about relationships with friends and someday, hopefully, maybe, getting married.
The Lord has taught me to hold marriage with a looser hand than last year. – Last year I held it so tightly, but I only held the idea tightly. I held the actuality of it at arm’s length. I held it so far away from me that it wouldn’t hurt me, but close enough that it would be ‘fun’ to look at, and that shames me to say it now.
I wasn’t trusting the Lord’s goodness. – Instead I was trusting in my own fears. Psalm 34:4-8, ‘I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried, and the Lord heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him.’
Right now I’m feeling like I failed, and there’s no way to go back, no way that I will ever be able to do relationships, but that’s not an attitude of resurrection hope and joy in Jesus Christ. That’s acting like Jesus Christ didn’t have the victory on the cross. And HE DID.
Instead I’m writing this poem of hope: (writing this in the midst of uncertainty. I have this longing to love and truly be loved in a marriage relationship that can build the kingdom of God, but I know that’s not guaranteed to me. Instead, I’m learning to trust the Lord in the uncertainty, knowing that He is GOOD, and no matter what He will always love me.)
Fighting for Hope
Hope in God, the words blur.
Tears dim my eyes.
My thoughts all a whirr
Looking back now, ‘Where did I go wrong?’
Feeling, thinking, I’ve failed.
Heartache like a suitcase to me doth belong
Trusting in Jesus. Praying in faith.
Falling Hard on the rock.
Though all round I see is death
Jesus is winning! Blood stains on His brow.
He’s born every weakness of yours.
In this valley He’s there even now.
Wishing my story wasn’t so bleak.
My only hope. God can redeem.
So His presence I seek.
Ministering to the hurting.
Yet crumbling inside.
Jesus please draw me.
Into steadfast love so wide.
Open mine eyes Lord love of the body to see.
Her arms wrapped round my shoulders.
Hope is the key she gives thee.
My heart so weary from fighting so long.
Hungering for heaven, my internal song.
Yet to live is Christ. To die will be gain.
He is risen from where he had lain.
The victory is sealed. I will watch, cry, and wait.
Heavy heart to our Lord Jesus King.
Faithlessness I despise and hate.
O Lord I long for a miracle so big
Humility in me create O my God
Snap my self defense as a twig
So that’s it.
I’m praying for a miracle in my heart, that I would stop wishing after or wanting a ‘Disney’ style or ‘Hallmark’ style romance.
Cause those are safe.
But the reality is not.
However in Jesus Christ I can walk forward into hoping for a God glorifying romance (If that’s His will for me), and leave my visions of perfection behind. Instead as one dear woman in my life encouraged me, embrace and love imperfect people and you can grow together.
Now I just need and long for the faith and courage to live that in my relationships.
Also (Please check out my friend Megan’s blog for more posts on relationships. She has some of the most relatable posts on relationships, romance that I’ve read!)
Anybody else with me with these fears on relationships?
Uncertainty: how do we trust God in the middle of not knowing?
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