I’m resharing this post, because this reminds me WHY I love recovery and why I don’t ever want to go back to being the girl who was chained in an eating disorder. Some days I still want that ‘control’ again, but this is a reminder to you and myself that recovery is worth it.
This is back in Uganda almost 4 years ago. I was still really struggling with body image then; it was tough. I remember smiling a lot in my pictures, but I was constantly body checking in my mind. I was constantly eating at night because I was SOOO hungry. I was homesick, so that threw my emotions for a loop. But in the midst of ALL that God was and is still good to me. His faithfulness and steadfast love rested on me in a way I could have never expected. Why am I writing this? I’m sharing this, because back then I still desperately wanted to be skinny.
Skinny wasn’t the way I was created. Some people are created that way. Some people have naturally thin body builds, and I love that and understand that. However that’s just not me. It wasn’t me from when I was born at 9.5 pounds, and it’s not me now at 5’3″ (almost) and I have no idea what weight. Yet for a long time I wanted to be skinny.
I relished the feeling of control.
But I was out of control; I wasn’t trusting God. i was trying to trust myself, but I was utterly failing.
I relished looking ‘skinny’ whenever I would look in the mirror, but the feeling of misery when I would crawl into bed or watch over people eating with freedom and joy and thankfulness was indescribable.
Psalm 40:2 describes exactly what God did to me, ‘He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings.’
Skinny was my identity for a long time. When I read Robyn’s post today, I thought. ‘This was me. My value was in my body, and I could never hold onto that value for sure because my body was CONSTANTLY changing.’
I almost can’t believe it, when I think about how far God has brought me. It’s all Him. There’s no way I can boast about me doing it because when I was trying to do it by myself i was failing miserably.
Jesus saves. That became real to me through this journey. I needed Jesus to save me out of my sin, out of my idolatry of my body and food and exercise.
I wanted to share this lesson that I learned from a TV show I watched last night. One of the girls, who was struggling horribly, with a desire to kill, said, ‘I just can’t not do it, and when I do it I feel better.’
That hit me like a ton of bricks.
That was me. In my sinful idolatry I was CLINGING hard to this ED. I was HOLDING on so tight, I couldn’t let go, but it was killing me inside and outside. Yet I’m so grateful to say that by God’s grace it’s not me anymore.
I couldn’t not do it. I felt like I HAD to think about my weight. I had to weigh myself or else I wouldn’t have an identity. I had to hold tight to this idol that was destroying me.
This makes me emotional sharing this, but I want to share it because I want to let you know that YOU TOO can be released from prison, the prison house of the sin that entangles us, of the idols that threaten to consume us. You don’t have to be bound anymore. You don’t have to feel chained.
Isaiah 42:7-8 say it SOO much better than I ever could, ‘To open the blind eyes, to bring out the prisoners from the prison, and them that sit in darkness out of the prison house. I am the Lord: that is my name: and my glory will I not give to another, neither my praise to graven images.’
Freedom is possible.
And the Liberator’s name is Jesus.
Did you ever want to be skinny?
How have you healed from that desire of wanting to be something that you weren’t created to be?