Warning: Please do not read this if you will be triggered or not encouraged by it. I’m sharing on a tough subject. It was the reason I started down the road to ED in the very first place. Even though it’s sensitive, I feel that it is something that needs to be shared and covered, or you wouldn’t ever totally understand the thinking behind my struggles.
Thanks Amanda for letting me ‘think out loud’, and I hope it’s an encouragement to you all!
I’m not sure when I started, but I do remember looking at myself in the mirror and thinking that I looked ‘fat.’ I was pondering the fact, and I think I know now a bit of why I thought I was ‘fat’.
The mind will do terrible things, because it’s so deceitful. I wasn’t rooted or grounded in the love of God, in knowing, and treasuring the fact that I was made in God’s image, made uniquely, made specially by the God of the universe. Instead, I started to use the way I looked in the mirror to compare myself to others.
There were girls who were thinner than me, but I was so focused on the ‘size of my waist’ that I forgot to look at what really matters, at the heart attitude, whether or not I was LOVING God, or loving other people. 1 John 4:7-8 says, “Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God. He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.”
It hurt my relationships, this comparison. There wasn’t ‘love’ in my comparison. There was just a self-centered pity that bemoaned the fact that I wasn’t the exact shape of another girl. It prevented me from engaging in getting to know other people, investing in them, and showing them the love of Christ.
If you want to get inside of the mind of a girl who has the wrong view of the body God has given her, stare into the mirror for too long. The biggest problem was that I was ‘too focused’ on myself and making ‘myself’ just right. In Romans 6-7, Paul talks about the fact that Christ came so that we might no longer be ‘chained’ to the law. That doesn’t mean that I don’t obey God’s law, but I now obey it because I love God. During ED, I was trying to obey God because I felt ‘chained’ to it. I wasn’t aware of the NEW LIFE that Jesus came to bring, but I walked in bondage to myself, to my own requirements and external desires to be ‘thin’ and ‘fit’ and have a ‘six pack.’
Jesus came, not so I would be held under the law’s heavy condemnation, but so that I could fully realize the grace of God and obey the law because it means I am obeying the BEST Heavenly Dad in the world.
Romans 6:14-18 says, “For sin shall not have dominion over you: for ye are not under the law, but under grace.What then? shall we sin, because we are not under the law, but under grace? God forbid. Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness.”
I am now freer than ever before from the prison of comparison. It’s not that I never think about the way I look, but when I start to focus on it, God takes me back to WHY I am here. I am here because of His grace. I am freed to become a willing servant of righteousness. It’s not a chain. It’s a joy to serve Him and to be His child, and because of Him, I can rest in being just the shape He wants me to be.