I am NOT and will never be a number. People try to define health all the time by numbers, and I’m not necessarily against it. Yet it saddens me when all health is ‘is’ a number.
One of the biggest things I knew I lost in the midst of an ED was myself. I lost my personality. I lost who God wanted me to be in the midst of trying to grasp for something that I wanted desperately. It always eluded me. It was always just a ‘bit’ out of reach. I let myself be DEFINED by the calories that went into my stomach, the miles I ran, the junk food I ‘didn’t eat’, the salad I did eat, or the number of pushups knocked out.
I spent so much of my time in comparison that it hurt not only myself but my friendships. Every girl was not just a friend but a person to look at and compare eating habits with her.
Yet, I’ve learned that whatever number my weight is at or was at, I’m still me. I have the same smile. I have the same Heavenly Father. God created me to be Emily, to be a girl who is a strange paradox of loving salad and sweets.
I’m not the food I eat, either. I’m not the calories that go into my stomach. I need the nutrition, but eating a piece of apple pie versus a bowl of salad doesn’t make me an better or a worse person.
Now, I can eat without worry. I can run without a watch, just ’cause I love it. I can do 5 pushups, and collapse, just because I’m tired… and not kill myself over the other 15 I didn’t do because it’s NOT about the numbers anymore.
Now, I can eat an ice-cream sundae and not micro-analyze the calories, it’s freeing.
I can enjoy a salad and pile it with cheese and chicken and dressing and not break a cold sweat over the ‘fat’ cause I know the numbers don’t make me. They just feed my body so I can live for and in Jesus’ love every day.
I’m not a number. I’ve a child of God. I’m a soul who has been redeemed by Jesus Christ. I’m no longer a number, and I don’t want to ever go back to being defined by the size of my waist or the number on the scale or the calories in the food.
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