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Week In Review: Grieving, Bittersweet, Nourish

May 10, 2018 By beautyinchrist 3 Comments

Grieving. That was a huge part of my family’s life this past week. It was hard. It was bitter but sweet. Why bittersweet? For the past 7.5 weeks, my grandma from my mom’s side lived with my family. She was in Nevada for most of my life, and then God, through so many miraculous opening of doors, brought her here. There was so much joy, uncertainty, and revealing of how SUPER selfish I am when she got here.

The first few weeks she was here with us, I was amazed to think about how I thought I knew how to ‘love’ people, and then God showed me that I didn’t understand just how much God loved me, just how much Jesus gave when He gave His life for me, to take my sins on Him.

I complained. I said it was too hard for me. I struggled those first few weeks, and the Lord gave me SO much freedom.

Grieving. I didn’t realize the grieving would come so soon; I thought my grandma would be here for years, that we would care for her here for years, but I was wrong, and God’s plan is so much better than my expectations.

On Sunday, my grandma passed from this earth.

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I Don’t Want to Be Skinny Anymore

April 15, 2018 By beautyinchrist 10 Comments

I’m resharing this post, because this reminds me WHY I love recovery and why I don’t ever want to go back to being the girl who was chained in an eating disorder. Some days I still want that ‘control’ again, but this is a reminder to you and myself that recovery is worth it.

This is back in Uganda almost 4 years ago. I was still really struggling with body image then; it was tough. I remember smiling a lot in my pictures, but I was constantly body checking in my mind. I was constantly eating at night because I was SOOO hungry. I was homesick, so that threw my emotions for a loop. But in the midst of ALL that God was and is still good to me. His faithfulness and steadfast love rested on me in a way I could have never expected. Why am I writing this? I’m sharing this, because back then I still desperately wanted to be skinny.

Skinny wasn’t the way I was created. Some people are created that way. Some people have naturally thin body builds, and I love that and understand that. However that’s just not me. It wasn’t me from when I was born at 9.5 pounds, and it’s not me now at 5’3″ (almost) and I have no idea what weight. Yet for a long time I wanted to be skinny.

I relished the feeling of control.

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How to Overcome Ice Cream Fears

April 15, 2018 By beautyinchrist 15 Comments

Icecream. It’s a major fear food for those struggling with eating disorders. To a normal person with a normal diet, it might not be a big deal, but when you start to see certain foods as ‘enemies’ and other foods as ‘not enemies’ ice cream becomes one of the enemies.

It was a major fear food for me, and I still struggle at times with people serving me ice cream, especially because I can’t ‘control’ how much I eat. Now, I have it at least once a day, and I love the freedom of being able to have that icecream without worrying about the calories.

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Dealing With Amenorrhea and Stress

April 3, 2018 By beautyinchrist 31 Comments

Note: I originally wrote this post on April 17th, 2015. I have updated you on the journey in this new post since then. I’m now sharing it again a year later from my update in May of 2017. This has been such a journey for me, and I’m still learning the whole way.

I’ve dealt with the effects of restrictive eating for about 7 years now, one of them being amenorrhea. I’m thankful that this year has been the best year of healing that I have experienced in the whole period of recovery. I’ve finally began to realize just how much a woman’s body needs her period. I’m linking to Robyn, because she has much better advice and actual explanations about why it’s so crucial for a woman’s body to have a normal cycle. I’ve struggled with amenorrhea off and on the whole time I’ve been in recovery, but this year I’m having more periods/a normal cycle than I’ve had in a long time.

I’m linking up with Amanda today to think out loud about this topic!

I’ve struggled with amenorrhea off and on for about 5 years, and I’m not the typical super underweight anorexic girl. I was never severely underweight, but my body did not like the low weight that I was at, and it let me know when I lost my period for about 2 or 3 years without a single period till I was about 17 or 18. After I gained about 15-20 pounds, it came off and on, but I realized that it was still being affected.

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